Crawling Back to You
by PixieKindOfCrazy
Summary: "I'm out of my head, can't wait any longer. Down on my knees, I thought I was stronger." Jessica could see it-he was breaking without her. She told him to go to her. And he did. Now, neither of them will ever be the same.


**A/n:** _Welcome new fandom! I hope you guys like this and look forward to more Donna/Harvey stuff from me. I'm obsessed. So, I guess the first part of this could be the scene Harvey refers to where, when he goes to get Donna back, he mentions that Jessica and him both know he needs her. But after that, it's sort of AU from the last two episodes. _

"_I'm out of my head, can't wait any longer. Down on my knees, I thought I was stronger."_

Jessica's POV

He was slipping; I could see it. I doubt all the partners noticed, but I knew that the kid most likely did. Every time he walked into the office in the morning, I watched as he either made a face at his temp or refused to look in his direction all together. It was as if his subconscious knew if he even looked at Donna's replacement, it'd trigger something in him; he'd remember she was gone, he wouldn't be able to busy himself into being able to deny it.

I liked to come off like I didn't pay attention to things like this, but Harvey's actually one of my closest friends. And I could see it in his eyes; he was broken. Donna brought him coffee just how he liked every morning; I hadn't seen a Starbuck's cup in his hand in weeks. Donna joked with him, whipped quote-filled jabs back and forth with him; she made him smile, not his self-satisfied Specter smirk, not his forced smile, but an actual genuine grin. I hadn't seen that smile on his face since the week before Donna left. Donna kept all of his things in order, brought him the files and reports he requested, she took care of anyone he told her to; she kept the world around him organized because if it wasn't, he couldn't do what he did so well. Not many people noticed, but Donna Paulsen was behind the madness. You know what they, behind every great man is an even better woman. She was the only thing that allowed Harvey Specter to be the Closer, and she was one of the only ones that knew that that wasn't all he was. Now if someone truly looked at him, they wouldn't see the Closer or Harvey Specter; they'd see a shell. He was chaotic.

When he took Mike to that casino to turn his old-friend into a client, I think he had another reason; it wasn't just work, it was distraction. I'm a hundred percent positive that if it wasn't work-related, he would've fallen home that night, completely drunk.

And I had fired her; I broke that system. I broke him. Not to say I regretted my decision, because it's what any responsible boss would've done and it's what I had to do for the firm at the time. She had shredded the document that was putting control into Hardman's hands. If I hadn't done it, the partners would've questioned whether I could be objectionable and put responsibility over loyalty, so I did it. I broke my friend. I killed something in him. He would never tell anyone that, but we both knew it; he needs her. She held his head on straight when he started spiraling out of control. But now, he couldn't see up from down, not because he losing his skill for logic, but because he simply didn't care anymore.

There was a knock at my door, and I looked up-again wondering at the function of glass walls, in terms of privacy, they were useless. I would've known it was Harvy coming up to my door seconds ago if I'd been paying attention.

"Yes?" I queried simply trying to keep myself from looking as if I was pitying him, and succeeding.

"I finished writing up the deposition on that domestic dispute case you'd asked for. Just came to say I'll be heading out now," his voice had no inflection.

I blinked. What? Harvey hated domestic cases; he hated domesticity itself. He called it 'boring' once, years ago. Yes, I'd asked him to close that case, but only as a half-hoped for offer. She never expected him to actually do it. It was to mundane, too easy, to clear-cut, and most of all-too time-consuming. Harvey only ever gave his time to things he deemed valuable or interesting. That case was neither.

"Harvey, what are you doing?"

"Going home, if that's alright with you," he raised one eyebrow at me, trying to come off as his usual hard-headed and confident self, and truly it might've worked on one of the meek associates, but I could hear what he was doing in his voice. Because I heard _nothing _in his voice. His face was the same, but his voice sounded dead, he had no tone whatsoever.

I shook my head, "Harvey, that case was 'below' you, and it would've taken hours to write up. I'll repeat, and don't lie to me this time, what are you doing?"

That case should've taken him at least three hours to finish, and I walked by his office and hour ago and he hadn't started _any_ case yet.

His eyes cut narrow towards me, "I finished it. I'm leaving."

I stood up from my desk, my chair making a screech as I pushed it back suddenly, and as he was about to turn back towards the door, I put a hand on his arm, "Harvey."

His head turned back to look me in the eye, his shoulders didn't shift, "Jessica."

I stopped my inhale of breath from sounding like a gasp as I realized something-he didn't want to be here. For the first time in a decade, besides when his father had died, Harvey Specter was not enjoying his job. It was a paradoxical fact considering Harvey lived for his job. Or used to. He was speeding through work like a madman, any work he could get, partly to distract himself and mostly so he could leave that much earlier.

"I'm sorry."

I blinked yet again as I heard the alien words leave my mouth. I wouldn't have taken back my decision, I don't do that. But I was a big enough person to realize that I'd had a part in why he was like this.

His brow furrowed, "Sorry for what?"

I took a breath, not sure what effect the one word I was about to say would have on him, "Donna."

I didn't know it was possible for dark eyes to look so hollow, "Don't, Jessica. You did what you had to do and we both know that. It's useless to argue over something that's already happened."

"I'm not arguing, Harvey. I don't regret what I did, because like you said, I had to do it, but I'm not blind either."

He looked at me and his eyes were trying to warn me, "Blind to what?"

"You need her, Harvey."

He swallowed, "I have…what's his name."

I didn't even smile at him not knowing his temp's name, "Cameron isn't helping you. He's hurting you. I'm actually sorry I assigned him to you."

"Jessica, please, I'd like to go home now. I'm not talking about this."

I put on my strongest Pearson Boss voice, as I'd heard some of the associates call it once, "Yes, you are. Don't forget, Harvey, I'm still your boss. But…in spite of that, I'm your friend."

He took a step away from me, turning his back towards me, "Yes, I suppose you are. But why are you telling me this? Why do you think I need a friend right now?"

I scoffed, "Harvey," I was getting frustrated with him now, "Stop bullshitting me, and yourself! Seeing that boy in her seat makes you cringe. I see you turn your head to that cubicle, on instinct, and I see your face fall when you remember who's sitting there. And who's not."

He glared at me, "If you're smart, you won't finish this conversation and let me walk out of here. I don't care if you are my boss, I'm not doing this with you."

I could see there was only one person's words that would get through his head right now, so, as dangerous as it may be, I knew where I had to make him go, "Talk to her. Bring her back," I nodded at him when gave me a questioning look, a silent affirmation that he had my permission to hire her back. There was no question that, given the option, that was what he'd do. It was speculation with them, it never was. With those two, everything was fact; she would, and had, done anything for him, and he in return, like is the natural order of things, refused to function without her.

Donna's POV

I didn't want to see him. Lie. I did. I wanted to see him way too much for it to be permissible, but I knew that if I did, I'd snap, and I would not lose control in front of him again. The courtroom trial had been humiliating; in that moment, I'd let my answer shine through my eyes and every damned person in that room knew it. I was normally such a convincing actor, what was wrong with me? What was wrong in that moment that I couldn't have hided it? I shook my head. I knew what was wrong. Him. He'd been staring straight at me, his eyes actually wide open for once, as half of him waited for my answer and half of him restrained himself from standing up and punching Louis in the face. Yes, I knew him that well. Let's move on.

But that was the problem-I couldn't move on. I wasn't. I still hadn't looked for a new job yet, living off my last paycheck, which was considerable. I couldn't face looking at a new boss's face. Which was ridiculous and made me angry at myself. I should be furious at him, I should never want to see that face again. And I was-furious. But the difference was that the thought of never seeing that face again made something in my gut churn tightly. Why didn't he fight for me? Twelve years and he just stood there as I was pushed out the doors. I'd been trying to deny it to myself the last few days. I did not love Harvey Specter. Well, I could admit to myself that I did, as long as it was under the vise of brotherly, or rather, cousinly, love. Something I looked forward to seeing at holidays, but then someone I was glad to see leave after a few days. Someone I'd fight for…

My out of place thought was cut off by a knock at the door. I looked at the door cautiously as I walked towards it. I hadn't ordered any food, and it was too late at night for it to be a social call. Only one person would dare show up at my door at this hour, uninvited. I reluctantly walked to the door, peering out the peephole to confirm my suspicions.

"Donna, I know you're awake. I can hear the TV on. You never fall asleep during a Star Trek episode."

_Damn. I guess knowing someone for a decade enables you to read them like that. _

"Why are you here, Harvey?"

We spoke through the door. It was a barrier, that I really, really, didn't want to let down. I couldn't. Not now.

There was a thud against the door, too light to be a real knock, and right after, my limited view from the peephole was gone. He'd dropped his forehead against my door.

"Donna, please. Let me in, Donna. I have to talk to you."

An angry frown took over my face, and I could feel the indignation and hurt swell up in me, despite my efforts to push it down, "Then _talk_, Harvey. You had plenty of opportunities to talk to me before I was _fired. _And you didn't. So _talk." _

I was so close to the door that I could hear his deep breath as he lifted his head, groaning in frustration, "I can't see you."

His tone sounded like he meant the sentence as a confession, not a fact or a plea. Why the hell is he trying to confuse me now? Actually, he's never confused me before…

"What?" I finally opened the door, so quickly it startled him as he lifted his head more to look me in the face. That's when I realized he was crashed. He looked like he hadn't really slept in days. I would know the look. I hadn't gotten real rest in a week. He was not wearing his suit jacket and his tie was hanging loosely, pathetically tied around his neck, his shirt sleeves pushed up to his elbows. I'd only seen him like this once. His dad. And we almost never spoke of that.

"I-"

I would've smiled at him being speechless for once, if we were in any other situation.

"Well,you can see me now, what did you want to say?"

He blinked once, like he was waking up, then shook his head slightly, "I can't see you."

"Yes, you can," I snapped, "You know, for once Harvey I don't understand your code."

He frowned, "It's not a code. It's an answer. To the question you've wanted to ask me for the past week."

I knew what the question was- why didn't he make me stay- but I didn't understand how that was any kind of answer.

He sighed, "Can I just come in? It'll be easier to explain if I don't have to stand outside your door like a stupid teen movie."

I relented, "Fine."

I didn't watch him as he walked past me. I honestly didn't.

He raked a hand through his perfectly jelled hair as he turned back towards me. I'd never seen him pace like this, "Why I didn't fight for you. I know you want to know why."

I raised one eyebrow, implying for him to continue with whatever he was trying to do.

There was a moment where he paused, and he just looked at my face without saying a word, "Yes, I can see you now. But that's not what I meant. I fought Jessica when she told me she was going to fire you. But when I saw that she was going to do it no matter what I did, because she had to- and Jessica always does what she has to- I just couldn't look at that fact. With Mike, it was easier, because no one else at the firm knew his secret. I could fix that. But everyone at the firm knew why Jessica was going to fire you. I couldn't stop it, my only option was to go right along with you. I guess I rationalized it that if I stayed there, kept my job, that I could find a way to hire you back. So I let it happen. But I couldn't look at you. That's why I refused Jessica when she tried to demand I fire you myself. I couldn't have. I couldn't look you in the face, and remember all the years of what you've done for me, and then just let them end. I took the coward's way out and I acknowledge that."

I looked at him, letting his words soak over my skin as I tried to decide whether I could accept that he'd frozen at those elevator doors and had let me walk away, "You were a coward," I agreed softly, nodding.

"Delusional."

"What?"

"Jessica had a talk with me today. She was worried about me," he scoffed, typical of him, "Said I needed you," his voice was more serious now, "I'm not a fool, I know she thinks I'm slipping. But…she made me realize something. Not just that she was right, and we both knew it, but that…you're not there. You're not, but I still see you sitting at your desk sometimes. I wondered a couple times in the last two weeks if I was going insane. I probably was. Probably am."

"No," I shook my head, fighting to keep my voice was wavering with the same weakness that was in my tearing eyes, "God dammnit, Harvey. Why do you have to do this?"

He frowned at me, and I could count on one hand how many times I'd seen him this confused, "I thought you wanted me to be honest with you."

"I wanted none of this to have happened! I wanted you to not have just stood there like a statue when Pearson and Hardman kicked me out and everyone looked at me like they were so sorry for me, sorry that I'd fucked up! You couldn't do it then. But now, in my apartment in the middle of the night, you chose to explain _why_?"

"I couldn't deal with it then, Donna! I'm not bullshitting you; I'm not just saying sorry because I think you want me to!" This voice reminded me of the one he'd used in the mock trial against Louis, except now it sounded a lot less sturdy, "…I'm not…Mike pointed out to me yesterday that I wasn't acting like myself…I'm not myself. I need you for that. How many people have you ever seen me admit that to actually needing, Donna?"

I really, really hated him sometimes. How is it possible for one man to make you want to simultaneously strangle and kiss him? No. Stop. Put that thought back into the locked drawers I try to keep it in, that I try to keep all my thoughts of crossing that line in. Subconsciously I knew- I didn't see Harvey as a brother. I never did. But I was afraid of that line. If we crossed it, we could never be like this again. I could never be his friend again.

"Why now, Harvey?"

He was silent in front of me, and the stillness stretched out between us, "Donna, I can't-"  
"No, Harvey, I deserve an answer. After twelve years, I deserve answer. Why are you telling me this _now_?"

I could see he was having the same battle with himself that I was constantly fighting in his presence. I'd wanted Harvey since the day I met him. But I didn't realize until after that day, that I didn't just want him because I was attracted to him, and I was, but because he understood my quips, he wasn't intimidated by my eyebrow raises, he could finish anything I started quoting. I liked that he closed his cases because he knew he could and his mindset for accomplishing things simply worked like that; He was confident because he logically knew he had the ability to win. I wanted him because he was a control freak, because he was a senior partner at 35, because he never took help until it was forced upon him, because he kept all of his signed basketballs, even the ones he didn't care about, because they were trophies of what he accomplished, mostly, because he wasn't just all that. And I was the only one he, whether he realized it or not, let see that. I didn't want him for lust, I wanted him for him. That's why it was always so hard to fight it when he looked at me like he knew all that, like he was right then.

"Because I couldn't do it anymore."

"Couldn't do what?" My voice was almost a whisper.

"Anything. Not without you."

I raised one eyebrow, somehow he could make me feel smug or wicked at completely inappropriate times, "Couldn't or wouldn't?"

"Both."

His voice was weak, like he'd finally given up trying to be who everyone saw him as, like it had suddenly become hard to be who he was. And we stared at each other. Neither of us said a word, but both of us knew-I'd forgiven him. I hated it in a way, but I think I always would forgive him. If he truly hadn't meant any wrong, if he really cared that he'd hurt me. And I knew what he trying to say that he couldn't. He didn't need me back as a secretary. What we were now, to each other, was forever changed. And I didn't want to think about that. I was scaring myself, this situation was scaring me. But then I really _looked_ in his eyes and for whatever reason, I wasn't afraid anymore.

He was still waiting for me to answer and before he could realize what I was doing, I grabbed him by the back of the neck and did what I swore I never would again-I kissed him. There was a split second where neither of us moved, mouths locked together, but stuck in a time lock because none of this seemed real. Then he spun me around and slammed me against my own door, his tongue invading my mouth. I moaned. Why did we ever think this would be a bad idea?

**A/n: **_Ok so I really need to know if Harvey or Donna are OOC. If I butchered them, I might cry. Just kidding…but it's probably true, actually. I hope you guys like and I'm really excited to meet a whole new fandom , full Specter fangirls. Review! _

_Oh and I've read most of the M rated Harvey/Donna fics on here and I kinda really want to write one. How many of you would read it if I continued the scene from the end of this one and turned it M? Ok, now it's really the end. Again, let me know!_

_-Pixie. _


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